Righto, let’s bash some men. What? You don’t want to bash men? You think men should be treated equally to women?
Come now, where have you been for the last five years? Men and women are no longer equal in any true sense of the word. Girls are made of sugar, spice and all things nice and masculinity is more toxic than Pete Evans at a Bakers Delight.
In this edition of Damn You, Patriarchy! we investigate how men are total crap at everything. So as to maintain the current feminist narrative, we’re going to do so as pejoratively as we can from atop our rose adorned pedestal.
Let’s start with the horridly inconsiderate practice of men bringing their female partners to orgasm. If you’re a man, and statistically you could be, you might think that feeling a certain level of satisfaction – even pride – at helping your lady friend to experience her own sexual release is a good thing. Think again, you misogynist scumbag!
According to a new study, if you take pleasure from your capacity to give pleasure, you’re supporting the Patriarchy. Consequently, we have no choice but to advise you that from now on, you should only have sex for your own pleasure. If your wife, partner or girlfriend cannot achieve orgasm before you strike gold, that’s not your problem. After all, you wouldn’t want to be accused of being selfish, would you?
You might also be surprised to know that Jessica Irvine has just proved that female executives are way smarter than their male peers. Through the power of mathematical gymnastics, with a flick of her wrists and an Abracadabra or two, Jessica reckons that a bunch of male “committee” members will be outgunned in the IQ department by a single female member. Apparently, we’re meant to believe that a male dominated committee will make poorer decisions than a non-male dominated committee. Tellingly, Jessica glosses over the possibility (i.e. likelihood) that the female member/s will have been chosen not on merit but through gender based affirmative action. If she hadn’t done this, she’d not be blind to a potential variable: what if the affirmatively chosen women in the gender diverse committee only have IQs of 120? Care to do your maths again, Jessica?
But, even more telling, poor Jessica ignores the real world. For example, a 2016 review of similar gender diversity studies showed that Fortune 500 companies perform worse when they have gender inclusive boards. Which is not to say that women are incapable or do not deserve to be CEOs, but it does demonstrate that if you want to use mathematics to make a point, you’d best do your research first.
Finally, we’ve been gifted with more man-bashing material from our favourite Grand Mufti of the Church of Third Wave Feminism: Aunty Clementine Ford. Peace be upon her. In a recent interview with Triple J, Aunty Clem rambles on about her life as professional provocateur and esteemed man hater. As always, Clem demonstrates a herculean incapacity for self-awareness. While simultaneously claiming that women with opinions (bless ‘em) cop all manner of abuse online, she implies that all of her detractors are oversensitive, “white boys on the internet”. Wow. Here we thought the price of admission would only get us a taste of the signature misandry we all know and love, and then Clem pulls out racism for the encore. Boom!
Later in the interview she’s asked about male feminist allies and you’d think Clem would be chuffed to have as many people as possible supporting the feminist cause. You’d be wrong. It turns out all men who support feminism are dodgy buggers who are only in it for the attention. Their motives, of course, cannot be pure. They must be prepared, based entirely on their gender, to have their opinions disregarded or crushed, or else they are not true allies. Classic Clementine.
And what about women who dare to disagree with The Word as spoken by Auntie Clem? They’re all self-haters who only play along with the Patriarchy so as to, “have power in a way that other women don’t.” For a feminist, Clem doesn’t think very much of women. Nor does she appear to believe that women possess their own agency. According to Clementine, any woman who disagrees with her is a social whore. Kudos to you, Auntie Clem. You’ve just failed to grasp the irony of simultaneously claiming that women face abuse from men for holding opinions, while abusing women whose opinions differ from your own. Bravo.